i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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