New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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