Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
