Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
