remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
