Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
