Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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