OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Drunk is not a location!
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
