This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
