you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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