So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
