Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
