Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
