I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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