Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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