I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
