I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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