Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
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