obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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