I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
