I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
