you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
