my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
