A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just pynch a tree in the face
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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