Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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