Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
