youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
