Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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