Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i barfeds in our rink
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
