he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
