I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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