I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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