guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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