Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he was CRYING into my vagina
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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