he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
