he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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