I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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