My brain says no but my pants say off.
there's paper in my vomit.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
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