remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
