I skipped work to stalk him.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
