I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
