Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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