I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
