I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
