How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
