I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
