I could make wine with my vomit
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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