just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I wish there were birth control emojis
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
