I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
