Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
