Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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