someone threw a dead crab at me
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
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