Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
