I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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