Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
