you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
