Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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