Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
