I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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